Let's reflect...

Yes that is me. Yes that is me looking over my favorite place on Disney property. Can you figure out where it is?

I have been flashing this image that I made some time late last year in my face all week long because... well, I guess I should tell you where I've been. All three of you.

The last three months I have been sucked into a really really really dark place that was full of jealousy and hatred and anxiety and just all sorts of bad bad feelings. I was depressed to the point where I would hardly go to work, I was failing all my classes and I literally did not give a shit if I got out of bed at 3PM.

That is never okay with me.

We do NOT stay in bed until 3PM. EVER.

But I was just in a really dark place and I felt like I was drowning, my life was literally flipped inside out and I didn't know what to do and there was broken glass all over my apartment floors and I was just a big heap of sobbing mess.

So about a week and a half ago I bit the bullet and did something I told myself I wouldn't do, because I'm stronger than that. But there's no sense in asking for help if you really really need it. Right? So for the last few days I've been on this really crazy journey on getting back to who I was, on healing myself mentally, on taking control of my OCD and my taking my life back and for the most part it's been pretty smooth. I did have a few days of extreme depression but I'm okay now and I'm hoping it'll stay steady this way.

I'm taking this month off of everything to just relax. To heal. To get better. Because honestly, in the last ten years since I've struggled with OCD I never actually took the time to just STOP and SLOW DOWN and RELAX. So along with that, I've been reflecting a lot on who I am and what I want from life and where to go from here. 

I've had plenty of idea's of what to do with this blog. I created it as a lifestyle blog that would had followed me into living on my own for the first time ever and that didn't really work out. And now I'm moving into a new place fairly soon and I hope hope hope that I do manage to remember to take this blog on that journey with me into making it my own personal cozy nest. 

Because let's be real. Who wouldn't want to come home to nice cozy nest?

I have started another blog about my journey only because it's open and raw and I decided not to hide anything when it comes to it. You'll be exposed to my demons, my struggles and my crazy bat shit mind. So if you're interested in that sort of stuff, let me know in the comments below or email me and I'll link you over! 

Also, if you have any tips to share when it comes to learning how to relax please also do share those. Relaxing has never really been my thing. Probably why I don't sleep at night. I've started Mindful Meditation (which I'm still convinced I'm doing it wrong) and bits of Yoga to help me sleep but I feel like there should be more I should be doing.

Bits of My Weekend

This pretty much sums up my weekend --- though not in order. I don't really remember what order these go in.

I finally got my vanilla cupcake from Panera Bread. I'll be honest, I just wanted the sugar leaf. It's so cute! The frosting wasn't too bad either. I finally decked out my work desk with some Halloween/Autumn decor. I love this sparkly cauldron I got! Went to Panera Bread again (this shouldn't be a surprise if you know me lol) and tried the squash soup with my favorite Mac & Cheese. The soup was okay... until it got cold. Hubby and I were looking for Venus Fly Traps at the hardware store and realized there were fish and turtles in their garden display pond!! How cool is that?! There were two turtles. Hubby dragged me out of bed at 9AM (YES 9AM) to go to Best Buy and get his LE Zelda Wii U. Best Buy opened as soon as we got there. Way. Too. Early. But he did make up for it by buying me some crafting stuff from Jo-Annes!

I made my first batch of mashed potatoes the other day. I was super craving Popeyes but it's a half hour drive away (seriously never going to get use to how big Orlando is. In Cali driving half an hour would bring me to Berkley via freeway) so instead we went to the grocery store and I tried making mashed potatoes myself. Honestly, they came out amazing!! I LOVED them! They were easier than I thought to make too!

This morning I made us some omelettes. Or well, omelettes Hazel style lol. I'm suddenly on this huge cooking kick! I wanna make pancakes from scratch and scallop potatoes!

This week I'm starting class back up and I'm really not looking forward to it, gotta do some tidying and some crafting! We'll see what productivity I can get into before Friday :)

Growing up | Not at all what you expected

This is a lifestyle blog right? So let's talk about life.

I had it complicated growing up, it's hard to talk about without giving away basic details because I don't know how far I'm able to share without regretting it or feeling guilty of saying too much but it's only because at some point someone from my real life or from my family may stumble on this post and there are just some things that family don't need to know.

Let's just keep it as growing up was complicated. And I was a very damaged and depressed girl who wanted nothing more than to kill the pain by any means and it was addicting even if the crash result was so much worse than how I felt prior to seeking out my next high. Whatever it was. Don't assume it was always drugs! Though I guess anything could be considered a "drug".

At sixteen the plan was very very simple: kill myself at eighteen. So my abusive boyfriend? Didn't matter, I wasn't going to be here much longer. He'll deal. That was the solid plan. I decided to end my life way before it was even going to start. 

Then something happened --- the guy I'd joke about suicide with and spent all year crushing on? Well he kinda sorta liked me back. He was swept me away in cloud I never knew existed and made me feel all these things, changed all these things and made me rethink my fool-proof plan. He's now my husband and sometimes I still blame him for ruining my plan. Jokingly. The guy saved my life after all! He doesn't appreciate my suicide jokes anymore though, damn on that.

So for the last ten years, I've basically been winging it. I had no plans to go to college or get a degree or a career or anything so when I did turn eighteen, I was kind of at a loss. My academics were shot to crap from not caring for so many years and I was pretty much starting over. And regretting never listening in class. Ten years later, I'm still in college trying to figure it out. But I guess it's better than giving up or you know, being dead.

There's so much I want to do in life --- I want to travel, I want to find cute cafes and drink coffee while being surrounded by morning dew in beautiful cities even though let's be real, I can't wake up that early. I want to explore a Farmers Market in every state. I want to get together with a friend and discuss our latest trip oversea. I want to talk about Verona, Italy after actually going there. I want to taste Macarons in Paris. I want to try Maple Syrup in Canada. I want to take an epic journey into a healthier lifestyle. I want to inspire people. I want learn how to sew. I want to land a job that will provide me with my very own cubical so I can snap a picture, send it to my brother saying "you're right, I do belong in a cube". I want to bake again. I want to make enough money that I won't pull my hair out every month. I want to find a way to beat OCD. 

But growing up? It's never what you expect. There are bills (and OMG there's so many of them! I never realized how many until I moved into MY OWN place!), there are jobs that don't pay enough, there is a lot more struggling to be done, there is time that end up wasted, there are coupons to be clipped, there are nights that pass with no sleep, and did I mention there are bills? So. Many. Bills. Having no career and no degree is hard, very hard. But I'm determined to make it work.

Now if I can just keep being determined...