28 August 2013

Growing up | Not at all what you expected

This is a lifestyle blog right? So let's talk about life.

I had it complicated growing up, it's hard to talk about without giving away basic details because I don't know how far I'm able to share without regretting it or feeling guilty of saying too much but it's only because at some point someone from my real life or from my family may stumble on this post and there are just some things that family don't need to know.

Let's just keep it as growing up was complicated. And I was a very damaged and depressed girl who wanted nothing more than to kill the pain by any means and it was addicting even if the crash result was so much worse than how I felt prior to seeking out my next high. Whatever it was. Don't assume it was always drugs! Though I guess anything could be considered a "drug".

At sixteen the plan was very very simple: kill myself at eighteen. So my abusive boyfriend? Didn't matter, I wasn't going to be here much longer. He'll deal. That was the solid plan. I decided to end my life way before it was even going to start. 

Then something happened --- the guy I'd joke about suicide with and spent all year crushing on? Well he kinda sorta liked me back. He was swept me away in cloud I never knew existed and made me feel all these things, changed all these things and made me rethink my fool-proof plan. He's now my husband and sometimes I still blame him for ruining my plan. Jokingly. The guy saved my life after all! He doesn't appreciate my suicide jokes anymore though, damn on that.

So for the last ten years, I've basically been winging it. I had no plans to go to college or get a degree or a career or anything so when I did turn eighteen, I was kind of at a loss. My academics were shot to crap from not caring for so many years and I was pretty much starting over. And regretting never listening in class. Ten years later, I'm still in college trying to figure it out. But I guess it's better than giving up or you know, being dead.

There's so much I want to do in life --- I want to travel, I want to find cute cafes and drink coffee while being surrounded by morning dew in beautiful cities even though let's be real, I can't wake up that early. I want to explore a Farmers Market in every state. I want to get together with a friend and discuss our latest trip oversea. I want to talk about Verona, Italy after actually going there. I want to taste Macarons in Paris. I want to try Maple Syrup in Canada. I want to take an epic journey into a healthier lifestyle. I want to inspire people. I want learn how to sew. I want to land a job that will provide me with my very own cubical so I can snap a picture, send it to my brother saying "you're right, I do belong in a cube". I want to bake again. I want to make enough money that I won't pull my hair out every month. I want to find a way to beat OCD. 

But growing up? It's never what you expect. There are bills (and OMG there's so many of them! I never realized how many until I moved into MY OWN place!), there are jobs that don't pay enough, there is a lot more struggling to be done, there is time that end up wasted, there are coupons to be clipped, there are nights that pass with no sleep, and did I mention there are bills? So. Many. Bills. Having no career and no degree is hard, very hard. But I'm determined to make it work.

Now if I can just keep being determined...

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